Notes for the Baby Book :: Moving On

We are at peace with the passing of our first son, Francis Joseph. He was not made for this world. We can only thank God for giving him to us for the short time he was with us. One thing I have been holding on to since we first found out was hearing his healthy heartbeat at our 14 week appointment. I am so thankful for that. I am also very thankful that we delivered him at home so we could spend some time admiring his perfect little body before handing him over.



There is an obvious "something is missing" feeling for both Jeremy and I. It is amazing how strong the bond was for both of us so early in his life. Our home is not the same as it was a week ago. We are not the same people we were a week ago. Our arms hold two children, but our hearts hold three. Our bathroom - in particular the tub - has become somewhat of a sacred place for us (because that is where Francis was born).



We aren't angry with God. We know He has plans for us and plans for Francis that we may or may not realize in time. But the most important thing for us to remember is that we have trusted God with our fertility. We have no reason to blame ourselves. It was God's plan all along.



The interesting thing is, I thought something wasn't right. For a couple of weeks I hadn't felt like I was showing. I was anxious and concerned about the baby. I think God gave me this time to help me prepare. I don't think I'll cry when we pack away the maternity clothes because they weren't fitting right anyway.



I am mentally and spiritually at peace. However, it will be awhile before I am emotionally at peace.



I said I am not angry at God, but I am angry with Dr. K. I feel like a lot of pain and time in the hospital could have been avoided if he would have done the D and C when they said they were. We were all ready for it at about 6 am on Tuesday, but then he decided it would be better to wait. But, waiting meant I lost a lot more blood and ended up with a transfusion. He didn't think I'd lost much blood and thought I was dizzy because I was overwhelmed. Obviously, he doesn't know me. I don't know who told him I hadn't lost much blood, but it certainly wasn't the male CNA we had in ER. (I love hearing Jeremy talk about how freaked out the poor kid was.) Dr. K then agreed to do the D and C at 3 pm if the placenta hadn't come out yet. Well, he changed his mind again and decided to try to pull it out which involved him pushing on my stomach so hard I started to cry - at which point he told the nurse to give me medicine to "calm me down" and he'd be back in 10 minutes. While putting the medicine in my IV, my nurse said, " This is a really high dose. If you need more, let me know." He then came back and did the same thing again until he got it out. The medicine didn't make it hurt any less. He also didn't call our doctor when he said he would. In fact, we were in the hospital about 8 hours before our doctor knew it and the only reason he knew is because we called him. We also continued to call him with updates because no one else would. It seemed incredibly insensitive of Dr. K to string the whole process along for us. We were obviously going through a difficult time anyway.



On the plus side, we had very very kind nurses the whole time we were there. If I could remember their names, I would send them a thank you card.

We are trying to make sure the girls know that we are very grateful that we have them. We are going to celebrate Bernadette's birthday this weekend with Jeremy's parents. I want it to be super special for her. We were going to go to Atkinson to celebrate before this happened, so we decided to celebrate here instead. She has a horrible birthday track record. Last year, Jeremy's grandma's funeral was ON her birthday. Poor girl. We're just glad she won't remember these birthdays in 10 years.

The girls have been a great help for us. I can't imagine having a miscarriage with your first child. God has blessed us with the ability to see many "silver linings" which have helped us cope. Most of them seem silly, but they are helpful to us.

We are especially grateful for all the prayers and kind words that have been sent our way. We feel blessed to be part of such a caring community. Please keep the prayers coming!