Notes for the Baby Book:: Moving On Part 2

A friend of mine recently miscarried her third child. I am so sad for her. I am so sad for everyone who has lost a baby.

I decided to go back and read the posts I wrote during my miscarriage. I had not read them since I wrote them.

Reading them puts me right back in October 2009. As I read them, I felt numb again...sorrowful again...

The one thing I did not feel was anger towards Dr. K. In hindsight, I am very grateful he made those tough decisions for us when we were not in the position to. I am grateful that my husband and I have an underlying trust in our doctors. Afterall, God gave them the talents to do what they do and they are using them to glorify Him. Obviously doing the D/C would have been risky, and he knew that. Our sorrow clouded our judgement. We just wanted it to be over. We wanted to go home and be with our kids. We wanted normalcy. Dr. K wanted me to have a healthy uterus so we could have more kids. Thank you, God, for Dr. K.

October 2009 will live on forever in my memory as one of the worst months ever for our family. Not only did we lose the baby, but when my husband went back to work, he was told they were closing the business and he was out of a job. Talk about a low blow! He was out of work for a month and a half before he started his new job. Even though at the time, all we could think about was how insensitive his boss was for doing that to us, maybe God wanted us to all be together during that month. We are definately a stronger family because of it.

From fall 2009 - spring 2010, I was in a dark place. I don't know if I was depressed or just sad. Looking back, I was an emotional wreck. Everyone either made too big of a deal over our loss or too little. It was such a personal loss. I wasn't angry with God, but I was angry with everyone else. I was angry with pregnant ladies who dared to be uncomfortable. I was angry with family who said Francis was now an angel (he's not, people can't be angels). I was angry with family who didn't say anything.

Our neighbors had a baby a month or so after we lost ours. We kept a watchful eye on their house for when they returned from the hospital and brought them some cookies (or maybe bread). Looking at their baby didn't make me angry. It reminded me that my baby was gone. By January when my sister-in-law had her baby, I forced myself to put on a happy face and go visit them in the hospital. Turns out, it wasn't hard to rejoice over the birth of another baby. Yes, my baby was in heaven, but that didn't stop me from enjoying other people's babies. In February, my husband's sister had her first child. There is something special about the birth of the first child in a family. You couldn't keep us away. Even though it was a four hour drive, we visited 3 out of 4 consecutive weekends (one was for a funeral). Our family was in perfect order for it. The girls were old enough to enjoy the car ride and I wasn't in the last trimester of a pregnancy like I would have been, I was only in the first trimester.

Around the time I was 14-18 weeks along with Felicity, I was a wreck. I was very fearful of losing her. It was an irrational fear, but the fear was there and there was nothing I could do about it. I dreaded the 18 week ultrasound because I just knew it was going to be bad news. But it wasn't.

Slowly, slowly, the sun started shining in my life again. I started wearing colors like pink instead of the grays and browns I had been wearing. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am a stronger woman because of what I have been though. Miscarriages are, unfortunately, very common. The only thing special about my miscarriage is my baby boy that is waiting for me in Heaven.

**After reading my posts from October 2009, I felt I had to clear Dr. K's good name. He is a great doctor and very good at what he does. If I had to go through it all again, I wouldn't have picked a different doctor.